Defeated

There’s always a time in our life that everything seems to go wrong. Whatever we do, nothing just goes right! It’s as if the whole world collaborates to go against us. And sometimes, we reach the point where death seems such an easy and tempting way out. But of course, we always just shrug it off.

I’ve been through such moments for countless times already. It’s pretty tiring to whine about it over and over again when I know for a fact that no matter how hard I complain, nothing would change. But more often than not, it’s my only way to let go of all the frustrations I feel deep inside. It’s the only way I can think of to release all the anger and all the pain. Yet, it just isn’t enough.

During such instances, I just drown myself with my studies—hoping that by the time I’m done, whatever I’m going through would also be forgotten. However, that never happened. I could have made my mind think of something else while I’m busy. But after that, everything comes back. And I just catch myself staring into space—defeated.

Nobody said life was going to be easy. But nobody mentioned that it’s going to be this unfair. I know I don’t have a right to complain about how life works. For most people, I’m very much blessed. Yes, I know that. I also know that as I write this piece, someone else is fighting hard to survive for reasons worse than I could imagine. I know that I, of all people, do not have the right to complain about life. But it’s just so hard to pretend everything’s okay when it’s not. It’s just so hard to act as if my life is as perfect as people imagine it to be when I myself know that it isn’t true.

They say that if people could only appreciate their blessings as much as they dwell on their misfortunes, life would be so much better. If only it were that easy. But then again, it’s all in the mind. If I could concentrate real hard and make myself believe it, maybe I could achieve it, too.

I can do this. I know I can.

I just wish I knew how.